I am pregnant! Admitting that to the world carries a certain weight but it also releases another.
Everything inside me keeps rumbling, and I am anxious. I have questions and expectations, and like only a mother would, I wonder.
I wonder if I have what it takes to birth a child…if I have what it takes to nurture, groom and grow a child. I wonder if my child would be healthy. Would my child grow up and be successful or would my child die young? I question if I am ready to be a mother
Am I worthy?
Am I ready?
Do I even have any idea what I’m doing?
Do I have a great support system and team?
There are also moments of inexplicable joy in the midst of the anxiety. Moment I stop dead in my tracks as the weight of the dreams I have for my child hit me and leaves me in bliss, breathless and then afraid.
You see I am pregnant with a lot of child-ideas and they desperately desire to be born, but as mothers are not known to do, I often clench the walls of my uterus refusing to release. And while I wrap my form around my ideas, they move and change within me. Sometimes the change occurs in a peace cocoon, and other times and most often, the change occurs in a stream of turmoil and doubt powerful enough to change the inner makings of my child-ideas or to damage them forever.
However this one child-idea refuses to stay dormant or destroyed regardless of the different transitions my womb goes through. It is a resilient little brat. I have being pregnant with it for six years. For six long years, it grew inside of me, and every fall for the last six years, I get contractions. It was ready, but still I clench refusing to release, because in my mind the ideas wasn’t that great, the opportunities weren’t right, the stars weren’t aligned and in many cases, I let one obstacle and a lot of fears dictate how I navigate my inner turmoil. So every fall when students go back to school, vacation season comes to an end and many people start new jobs, it kicks and pushes violently, and still I clench.
However, last fall one thing was different, I made a decision.
I made a decision to finally birth this child-idea into life. I made a decision to give it life. This year, I decided I am giving birth whether I feel ready, qualified, worthy or not. The obstacle and fears are present, and the turmoil and battle still persist, but I’m going into labor. I refuse to clench my muscles.
Whether my child-idea comes out beautiful or ugly, I will give it life.
Then I wonder, “Am I prepared and capable of giving my child deep roots and strong wings?”
In the midst of my wondering, I go to the place I go when I need reassurance and counsel. I go to Christ. I go to scripture. In my search for some courage, one of my absolute favorites stories in the Old Testament came to mind — the story of the Israelites crossing the Jordan River after decades of roaming in the wilderness. After what seems like a lifetime of being stagnant, cool stuff happened in quick succession from the Jordan parting to create dry land to the walls of Jericho falling (another favorite). I don’t know how to explain how an eleven-day journey took 40 years, but I’m usually quick to turn up my nose at the Isrealites as I wonder how ridiculous they must have been for that to happen. However, I always have to stop myself, because my life mirrors the fall, rise, trust, doubt, foolishness, disobedience, praise and depression that channeled the Israelites’ journey in the wilderness. I feel a deep kinship with the people of Israel and their wilderness sojourn. Heck, I am the Israelites. I have carried a child-idea, Pearls from our Fathers, for six years. I have been roaming around with the idea for six years. I have talked about it and dreamt about it, but stop short of executing it. My wilderness journey looks nothing like a 40 years trip, but still it beckons me to “Step into the Jordan River, and watch it part.”
This year, I am birthing Pearls from our Fathers. Ready or not! It is either going to happen now or never, and I decided it hurts no one to start, but I know I would wonder about it for the rest of my life if I didn’t at least try. Most of last year, I spent time prepping my baby’s room and putting together what it needs. I percieve as most parents come to find out that what they think their child needs is actually not what it demands for after its birth. Whatever the case, I have been getting ready by interviewing adults about their fathers, and their stories are beautiful, poignant and intense. This year, I believe labor has arrived, and I’m calling my labor season The Launch Pad. If interviewing storyteller is preparation for baby, putting out these stories is labor, and the first pang is currently up on Instagram and Facebook. I am excited to share more of these stories with you, and to see what pops out after labor is over. A beautiful baby, I pray!
Anyways, currently in labor and pushing…